I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
