I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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