What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
