and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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