She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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