We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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