wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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