Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
