Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
