Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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