Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
