Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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