remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
