his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
