I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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