Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
