his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
