I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
this boner is exhausting
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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