Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
