Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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