Hey man sorry I got all grabby
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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