His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
