YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
