you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
a search helicopter?!
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize