Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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