wanna go halves on a baby?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You're a waste of cheezeits
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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