I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
