Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize