i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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