My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
