tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
