mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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