If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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