Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize