I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize