My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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