They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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