I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
