Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
