Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
