Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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