i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
