my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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