Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
