can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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