One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
