it's too hot outside to masturbate.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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