he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
