We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
