1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
