I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
