he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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